good afternoon .. it's been really stressful lately, so i haven't been typing up much because i hate recounting the days. stress worsens my illness, so i've been feeling generally unwell on top of managing a UK heatwave while on venlafaxine. OOOOHHHH i want to kill myself so bad. and DONT say "lolll the us gets way hotter" i WILL kill you it is so different here. i've seen many americans post about how they cannot handle the uk heat. our homes are built to keep heat in and we have NOOOOO AIR CONDITIONING. so yes. 27C is a big deal i want to rip my fucking skin off.

my room is in direct path of the sun. the sun just blares in here. and i dont have curtains because my parents took them down and then neglected my room, so i only have blinds. heat just comes in here and gets trapped, so my room hits like 30+ degrees celcius. i love my fan and i hope it survives the year but it is not doing jack shit ill be honest. its not built to fix this issue. and then any game i play, my pc generates heat on top of that so im like hmmm should i play a game while wanting to kill myself x2 or just sit here while wanting to kill myself x1? one of life's toughest choices. at least im drinking water! i am notoriously bad at this and have been dehydrated for like 5 years now (im not gonna lie i dont know how im alive), but i literally have to just to want to open my eyes so that's something.

i decided to go with the former option and play minecraft. can you believe it's been weeks and i haven't come across a natural spawner until now? just found a zombie spawner and in the process of digging out the area to build an exp farm. set up a space for an enchanting table that looks nice. fortune 3 efficiency 4, unbreaking 3 dia pickaxe which is pretty good. been going through pickaxes like hotcake because im building an underground basement/catacombs type thing where i have extra storage, enchantment table, etc. don't know what to put down there other than those 2 rooms right now, but i'm sure i'll have a brainwave whenever i realise i need a room for x or y.

i did sit outside in the garden for like 20 minutes earlier. big fucking deal for me - haven't left my house in months! i only managed that much before wanting to come in because i was 1. so unwell that my mother had to slather suncream on me while i was laying there motionless because i didnt have the energy to do it myself, and 2. everyone in my home surrounded me like i was a shiny pokemon because it is so rare that i leave my bedroom. i went out to relax and get a bit of peace, but it became clear immediately that this was impossible so i called it quits and went back in. it was nice i guess. i brought my sudoku book out there because i wanted to chill and do some sudokus, but i couldn't focus with everyone around me. i'll try again maybe a bit later when it's cooler. this was at like 11am when it wasn't so hot, if i went out now i fear i would just disintegrate into ash. my skin is so fucking white i feel like a single ray of sunshine would have that shit sizzling. white people when they bring out the sizzling fajitas. sorry, clearly i'm devolving and just writing whatever shit pops into my head so i think that's a good time to sign off.