currently spiralling baaaad bad. idk what happened, but i just started having a panic attack and then immediately got thrown into another one a couple of hours ago, and now the symptoms just wont go away. my mental state is deteriorating as we speak. i've been having panic attacks a lot more lately, but they're usually spaced out between the day and go away fully, so i don't really know what's going on today. i'm not even particularly more anxious today than any other day. it's just a regular day. maybe my stress levels are higher. something is going on, i just don't know what.

i am irritated as fuck, on top of convincing myself im going to die, because this shit will not go away. i don't even know why i am such an anxious person in the first place. and not even like a level of anxious that is tolerable. life or death anxiety every day. like why was i cursed with this shit? i've been like this since i was a kid. obviously it's worsened a lot since then, but it's not like something happened to me to make me scared of everything all the time. i guess some people are just born anxious, but somehow it slipped past regular anxious territory and now im scared to leave my house, im having panic attacks daily, im scared to see people, im scared to talk to people. bro im scared to do anything. im scared to carry a fork up the stairs. what the hell is that even about i've never had an incident with a fork in my life.

i think the worst part is that when you're in a negative headspace, you tend to compare yourself with someone who is in the polar opposite headspace. that's not good, because the complete opposite side is often also unhealthy. looking at it logically, it has to be some sort of like defect or mental illness if you don't care about anything at all and are completely apathetic. i don't understand how people are like that if it isn't a defect. everyone is always saying "anxiety is normal!", so it must be odd to be nonchalant and detached from everything. but i find myself thinking "what if i just didn't care about anything at all? how awesome would my life be?" - probably not that awesome! but i can't think of what a normal person lives like because i've never experienced it, so i only have the opposite to compare it to.

i look around and see people not having the same reaction that i do to things, and i'm like how are you real? how are you not freaking the fuck out right now? and i always feel mean for doing that because in a way i'm being like "oh something is wrong with you" in my head. like i genuinely don't understand others who have different emotions and experiences than mine. that is probably a problem. i am a very empathetic person, but in situations like these i instinctively assume everyone else is abnormal. i think this leads to a lot of friendship/relationship breakdowns and built-up resentment in me because if you don't feel anxious when i'm gone, for example, then in my head it means you don't love me or care about me or think about me at all. oh so basically you hate me and want me to die. because when i care about and love someone, i miss them so much my heart aches. and i feel like shit when they're gone. i guess normal people don't have that. i find myself worrying about if they got into an accident or if they died or something, but my absence never seems to bother anyone and it doesn't make a difference whether im around or not. i don't know. i don't know what the point of any of this was. i guess just to not bother irl people with my freaked out thoughts.