2 posts in one day wow. i tried to go out just now with my dad. we were just gonna walk to the store since i wanted to get some fresh air and i thought i'd give it a try. you really have to force yourself through these things! unfortunately, we got literally a minute away from my house and i started having a panic attack and crying. so we had to turn around and go back home. i am thankful my dad listened to me and took me home, but i can't help but feel ashamed and embarrassed. i said we would try again tomorrow, but i honestly don't know if i'll have the energy or motivation tomorrow. i just get so scared.

being agoraphobic is tough. i love walks. i love nature! i want to go outside and see beautiful views. i watch videos of stunning landscapes with nature sounds all the time. i hang out of my window looking up at the moon and stars, and have so many pictures of them on my phone. i miss being outside. so why can't i go out there? partially because of my illness for sure, but if i went a day without eating i could go out and have a walk. my life wouldn't have degraded so much. i really just need a friend to go on walks with me, or support me through my panic and fear. i asked my partner but i think we're going through a bit of a rough patch right now. i really want to see him and do things, i just have to force myself because if i don't then i will just never naturally give in. i will always choose comfort and familiarity.